himegoto 27

It's 28th of February. I'm now writing in another post to fulfill the quota.

The quota is - to publish 10 posts every month.

I wasn't able to do it last year even though I'm quite close to achieving my quota.



Hmm... The first two months of year 2007 I've done it alright. I just hope I can keep up this on the coming days.



I'm getting more and more busy nowadays. Though I still can't bear to seperate from my dear PC. Oh well, study comes first still. I'm starting lose interest now... Shit...



I did realize I feel better after posting it all as I was channelling my feelings into my blog. Confiding in my blog is the best. Someone might read it by chance. I do no mind. I would be even happier if someone that know me can support me mentally.

That's really what I need.



Sometimes, I just felt like grabbing somebody's arm, embrace the person and just start crying quietly...



Just who can let me do that...?

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 26

What's wrong with me?

My mind is all blur. Not sharp or sensitive or whatever... It's just blurry, everything I see now is quite blurry. It doesn't matter to me what is going on. It's like, to me, everything is just the way it is and so let it be. It's nothing.



Like I said last post. I think I'm going insane, anytime... What's more, getting a big blow over my Physics' performance. I felt crushed, totally. And then, it's the start of 1st Mid-Semester tomorrow. Will I do well? I'm seriously worried. I don't think I've did enough.

What's wrong with me?



My mind is so heavy and somehow, loaded with lots of things that I can't seem to throw off. It's too heavy. It's causing me headache. What is it? Why?



What's wrong with her as well? These times, I don't think she's someone that I can trust anymore. The others are definitely better then her. I might be thinking too much, but really, she's starting to give me that kind of impression. Even though she is a nice person, I think she isn't really so instead. She has no patience and is not truthful. Until now, I find that I couldn't believe her. Is it my fault? No, not that I don't want to take the blame but really, I've been tolerating everyone so much that I think I'm not giving myself more. If I irritates her, I'm sorry as I can' help it because I know that I've try my best not to ask her too much things or whatever. Just that, why? She's giving me this feeling now.



I think she's bored with me. That can't be help, I am boring as I'm this person who doesn't really care about anything at all. I'm not interested in anything as well. She complained about people but she eventually get along with them unlike what she told me beforehand. For me, it's like you are a hypocrite. That's really very unappealing to me. You aren't happy with them yet you continued "giving them faces", while I feel rather left alone on the path.



People, I have feelings too.

I do not know how to describe myself much since my vocabulary isn't good enough either. I'm using very limited words and it rarely describe things precisely.



The main point here is - do you care about my feelings? Have it cross your mind that I'm really a being that want attention and care also?



I really needed that. So far, few could do that for me. There's only 3 or 4 to be precise. Am I really someone that difficult to understand? I feel mute most of the time. I do not know what to say anymore. I do not know what to do anymore.



I do not know what I am anymore...

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 25

I feel like I could burst anytime soon.



I haven't got back my Physics paper. But I was told that I got only 50% for it.

That's a big blow.



A really big one.





Can somebody please lend me their shoulder?

It's time for me to cry a little.



Indeed, after so long I had cried last.



I figure I should let out my emotion once in a while. My dissatisfaction, an act of protest and etc....



I am still not confident of myself. I still stagger when I'm talking.

No matter what language it is now.



I feel so wrong.

Dreaming is good.

But not doing something right for it...

is not the way....

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 24

I just came back from my hometown today...



Yep, I did get a loads of angpau... But now, I understand that it doesn't really matters much. I got the message finally, the angpau really symbolizes blessings from one to another. Does this mean I'm more mature than before yet? I hope so.

Even though I still act like a kid, I think.



Very well, nevertheless, I'm tired and exhausted.



There's nothing much of a happening in the past few days...



But wait, I must no forget to share this good news. Well, yea, I do think it's a good news. Yep, noneother than I received the Chinese New Year card at last. I took one look into the snail-mailbox, and bingo, I immediately knew it was for me and also whom it was from. Gosh, I'm really happy. I can't wait to finish my chores given to me by my mother then, well, what else, to reveal what's inside the red envelope!



Surprise surprise!! There's another smaller red envelope inside the bigger red envelope. Great. Anyhow, I dreaded reading the small but meaningful card. There were many words printed on it but little written in person. Though, it was enough to trigger my thoughts or should I say doubts.



After reading it, I was like, was this for true? Does that person meant it even though all those were not written and were already printed on the card. Anyhow, the card still had to be picked by that person right? Instead of randomly that is. I'm happy, but with so so so so much doubt. I couldn't stop thinking about it as it was really intriguing. However, the more I thought about it, it's like the more I really think it was not like that person's personality or do I not know that person enough. I hope the latter. If it was not picked randomly and was meant for real instead, was it what I thought it was then? And if so, how do I confirm it?



This matter really conflicts my feelings very much. I couldn't decide and I think I never would anyway. It is all unless - I ask that person myself, eye to eye. That way, nobody would be able to lie or think for a matter of time before they produce some restructured answers. The first answer - without given a moment of thought - are normally the truth and the most sincere one. That is really what I wanted.



Can my wish be granted?

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 23

WoaAAaa.....~~



It's Chinese New Year....!!!!!!

GONG XI FA CAI !!!!!!

I've already got bout 6 angpau-s yesterday!!! WoooOOooootTt!!!!



Yeaaa!!!



So happy!!!!



Rejoice rejoice!!!!!!



Here I am, posting to my blog before me and my family leave the house to my paternal grandmother's home in Batu Arang. After that, we will be going to a temple. And... After that, we are going to one of the shopping malls in town!!



Nice!! Sweet!!



Though, my only concern is the first mid-semester exam held right after the one-week Chinese New Year holidays... Haiz.... Homework!!! Study!!!

Haven't done either of that!!! Please help me!!



Anyway, I hope I will be getting lots and lots and LOTS and LOTS of angpau this Chinese New Year!! At least more than last year!! PLEASE~!!



YAY!! And again ... HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!



GONG XI FA CAI!!!

Ang pau come come!!!



YAYAAYAYAYAAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!



That's why I love the holz....

Sigh...........



I'm so totally definitely hyped out...



****



Ooops, I need to use the bathroom... hehe...

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 22

It was Valentine's Day yesterday..



Woa... Everybody was rich and generous that day, seeming they spent so much on flowers that will not last long and will wilt in a matter of days.



Truthfully, I felt sorry for the flowers. The more I looked at them, the more depressed I got. I did get a sunflower from a friend. The other gifts I got were candies, chocolates and some notes (better then nothing I suppose).

The sunflower, after I got home, ended up missing..



Well, even though I felt sorry for it, I didn't really care much about it either. What hypocrisy... I was depressed, let me reaffirm you. To the extent that I just put a dropped sunflower petal in my mouth and started chewing. I spat it out after a few minutes. It was bitter yet there's still its scent there. Though I'm not sure if that really was the flower scent or something else, namely insect spray...But, I didn't mind and didn't care.



The flowers, I rather had them planted on ground among the rich soil where they really should be. Some didn't have the chance to bloom fully but had to be cut off its stem to be presented to somebody else - supposingly to make them happy. True enough, the flowers had spread happiness in the world, but they weren't really appreciated still. They were chucked one side when they were done, if you get what I meant. They were merely a symbol in a solid state where humans showed their affection towards another being. However, I still think it's too cruel for the flowers... It's just the spur of a moment happiness and all was gone and forgotten already. Wouldn't it be better if they are just planted in a pot, so that they can continue growing?



Yes, the flowers did play their part well thus I respected them. We are all living things. We had this mutual relationship that we musn't deny. Living things have their own life as we homo sapiens do. Why not some other way when it's Valentine's Day?



In the end, I might just conclude that I'm actually jealous. But, I really hope this was not the source for the above babbling. If it was, I would slap myself. You see, some girls just weren't tired of receiving more and more flowers every single minute - they could managed a bucket full of roses... What's more, some conveyed their dislikes towards me through a rather intentional-not-accidental-practical mean... I was hurt. Rather. My friend suggested that it was really harsh. So I thought. I'm still a being myself. I still have enough sense in myself to not turn into some cold-blooded animal. If I were to turn into such, it would be bad. My state would somehow reflect your ownself. It's not like I bear a grudge with you people. Can't you people see how that this is me, myself and I? This is the way I am. Don't jump to conclusions before you even start to decipher me. By all means, I was always easily bullied all the time. So, how am I supposingly snobbish, aroggant or whatever you might have to say about me??



I really don't understand. Why could I tolerate the others with so much patience and understanding, yet the other side wouldn't seem to open up anytime soon. I'm fed up with this.



Let what will be, be whatever it will be.

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 21

VIRGO:. The Virgin

in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now.

in

wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual.

Loud. Loyal.

to talk to. Hard to forget Love at

/> Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and

/> sexiness.



I got this from my e-mail just now...

This could be quite true ya'know... ;)

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 20

Hey woa, Mozilla Firefox's add-ons are quite useful...

I'm currently using PerFormancing to post to my blog..

This is so cool...

Enough about that, let's revert back to my life this week...



Sure enough, it was hectic!! Felt so suffocated... All those late night sleep had contributed to my panda-like eyes now... They were totally exhausted..

Even though, it's only a monthly test.. I was stressed out like hell..

I was very worried that I wouldnt be able to do well enough, seeming I'm now in the first class pressured me even more..



I wanted to show them my ability, my talent, what I'm really capable of and the fact was - I'm better than they thought. Let you have a piece of me - that's what I thought. But whatever, those people still got on my nerve.. Nevertheless, I let my emotion took over me yesterday. I still need to release them one way or another somehow, otherwise I'll burst! Yea, nobody wants somebody head suddenly blowing up just like that. Anyway, I knew myself too well, I can contain myself anytime I want - depending on whether I want to or not.



Well, SES... So what the hell... We at least hoped that you people could talk to us... Inform us on upcoming event or what you had planned... Neither of us knew anything until the announcement... She was shocked and rather like woa.. When was that? How come? I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL! Please, for once, acknowledge us. Even though, you can't pull yourself away from your group, the least you people could do is respect... We liked to help.. But our spirit were constantly made evaporated away just like that.. We loved to help, but under this circumstances, we don't think we want to be open-minded anymore..



It had already been one year... Yet, why this emptiness?

What is their problem...



Everything I do, I'm so disheartened...

I would want somebody who I could lay my trust upon completely.. And one who I feel secure...not betrayed...



Yes, that's it...

It felt somehow, we were betrayed....

powered by performancing firefox

himegoto 19

My photoshop work... A beginner's work...

himegoto 18

Today is the first day of February and it's Thaipusam and Federal Territory Day, thus the public holiday and freedom (for the mean time) I get. Well, there's really no free time for me, tonnes of homework to complete as usual... Nevermind about that anyway, these are really boring stuffs.

THIS is the best part - continue reading...



The event happens today, yes, past midnight, as in very very early morning of the 1st of February - let's say about 1 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, isn't it fabulous? I am still awake although I'm clearly exhausted. I wonder if it's fate or whatever. We arose the topic. And we continued on and on non-stop and he finally revealed his part of the story. It was interesting. Of course, everybody has a strong sense of "justice" in them, he asked me about myself later. And, I decided that, this might be the best time and best opportunity for me to let it go. So I did told him the truth.



But, surprise surprise!! He did not believe me and he thought I was just pulling his leg. I felt kinda insulted though at the same time relaxed... I could tell him my thoughts in not an awkward but easy way and therefore it's a good thing. He did not believe until the end, whether or not he changed his mind after I signed off I do not know. But whatever, I finally did what I wanted. And yes, I know myself the best. It was long over already, only that I wouldn't let go of it. Now, I realized my mistake and I definiely felt better.



The feeling after that was that, I felt so freed.... I'm pretty sure I can get him off my mind finally and focus on my ambition. I'm an ambitious girl and I've started to think that, maybe this thing ain't for me after all... I don't mind... Really... So, whatever...



Albeit all that, I chuckled to myself - wondering what his reaction would be like when he eventually understood that my tone just then - though that was impossible through online conversations - was very serious - Yep, it's funny. And I'm more than glad that this had came to an end, in a good way... = )